The chaos ......

We went to the Begonia Festival on the weekend. I thought I would take the kids to see the parade and the animals.

It takes what feels like a little bit of courage on my part - to take the kids on my own out to new things - leaving the car far behind us. I usually like to have it quite close by to bail to in case Bugs gets upset about something. It never used to be so bad as I could just bundle up this toddler and carry him to the car, but these days he is BIG and strong and if he doesn't want to move - he wont. Anyhow, I thought I'd try as I don't believe we should stay hidden in the house, or in 'safe' places all the time. It's not healthy for me, or the kids. If big Loch is with us its entirely a different story - it's that second set of hands to help diffuse the situation or watch one kid while we deal with the other, that makes all the difference. It also feels like a united front when we are together - I feel confident going anywhere.

I've been thinking a lot recently about Bug's behaviour. Professionals have told me that there is always a reason for a behaviour. Maybe its frustration, hunger, pain, wanting something, or the behaviour meets Bug's complex sensory needs.  Sometimes I must sound like I think Bugs is a terrible child who is difficult all the time and drives me nuts,  sometimes he is easy and his behaviour is wonderful, at other times it's so difficult it's a complete nightmare - the thing is though it's not him - it's 'IT'.

It is autism.

It must be easy for people to look at my son as see a badly behaved child. He can be hyperactive, often does the opposite of what you tell him and he's occasionally angry and aggressive. He is messy, he has very little social graces and absolutely no modesty when it comes to anything.

 The thing is that I know that all of this outside stuff, all the craziness, is for a reason.

He lives his life being bombarded by noise, light and touch. He can't switch off from one noise to the next it all comes at him at once. Lights might be bright and changing and blinking and even the feeling of a hat might irritate to the core. Life must be such a different experience, and it must also be scary. Add to that the fact that you can't talk, explain, or ask about anything - it's amazing he gets up in the morning, goes to school and functions as he does. If I had that going on I think I'd probably just hide under my bed in the dark and stay there.

As this isn't my daily experience, and never has been, I can't quite understand. I can understand the feeling when the TV is too loud and I'm trying to concentrate, or when you walk into a room and the lights are really bright. I know some feelings are horrible, like tin foil against fillings and fingernails down a blackboard - is this the kind of stuff he feels all the time?

As an outsider looking at him, it is easy to just see the chaos that can be my son. It's amazing how many people are close to us but don't even really know what autism is or how it affects someone - they just know what it looks like - and in my sons case it looks like an out of control kid. I would love it if people would actually learn what autism is instead of assume they know. Perhaps they would understand a little better why autism can equal behavioural problems.

I feel proud when I think of everything Bugs deals with on a day to day basis.  When I really think about how he must feel and how he is affected daily I think he is no longer unruly, but amazing and special. Despite all that he comes across he still is a loving kid who constantly holds his arms out for hugs and loves any kinds of attention. He still gets up with a smile on his face and is willing to make his way in the world for another day. These are the things I need to remind myself.

He may behave badly - but there is a reason for this and it has nothing to do with who he really is on the inside.