Fear and loathing ..........

Well, it's 7.30 and it feels like midnight. We are off early, on a jet plane to Brisvegas.
Once I arrive I will be ecstatic. We haven't had a holiday for such a long time, and it will be soooooo nice to catch up with my lovely brother and dad and their lovely partners.

Part of me is really excited, another part isn't thinking about our holiday in Brisbane it is dreading the flight. This is me, can't see the holiday from the flight.
In my life I have had many fears. Most of them, probably 97% have never ever come true. Fear at certain times has ruled me. Made decisions for me, and steered me in directions I've never wanted to go. It has made me choose partners, it has turned me towards jobs, it has made me even stay at home at certain points.

It's interesting really. I look at my partner, so relaxed, yawning on the couch. He doesn't see an upcoming disaster.. all the what ifs. He see's the happy ending. The holiday in QLD. The everything is fine.
It makes me wonder what is wrong with me, that I have to pick the bad out of the good, the hard out of the easy.  Fear is also the least socially acceptable of the two mindsets. People don't like a whinger, people think you are silly if you tell your darkest fears.


So here I go. Tomorrow on a jet plane. Off to experience new things. Off to just let go of control. Off to try and push through my life regardless.

Teeth, tummy and terror ......

I haven't blogged for a while. Things have been busy, school holiday crazy and now just illness and pain! I've had a massive tooth ache - dentist on Monday morning ... joy, joy, fun!
and ...... poor Bugs started his 1st week back by just being a little bit off, which has turned into a really bad case of the shits a tummy bug. It really started Thursday night, and tonight (Sat) he is still sick.

I took him up to a local medical centre tonight - usually a place like this would be a nightmare to take him. Huge set of stairs to want to go up and down, open space, lots of offices to try and open the doors of and waiting. Tonight he amazed me and sat with me, we looked at things on his speech device and he pretty much sat there and waited (in between toilet stops). Granted, he was ill but we also spent the time pointing out things on his device - like a baby - when a baby who was being held by it's mum started crying - and other things.

Even when the doctor got him to lay down so he could feel his tummy, Bugs just co-operated, and giggled when the doctor pressed his tummy.
Anyhow, hopefully he is fine. Probably just a virus ... etc, etc....

We are all going away in a week or so. We were going to drive, to QLD, with 2 kids, a small car, over a few days ......... but good old Jetstar has offered us flights we can't refuse so we are now flying.

Personally, I HATE flying. Which is probably why I thought driving was a better option. It just scares the heck out of me. I hate it when you take off, my tummy basically goes to my throat. While in the air, I am constantly checking out the faces on the air hostesses, to see if they look worried. Every time they talk on their little phone to the pilot, I panic thinking the pilot is saying - "Audrey - we are about to die - buckle up!".

The last time I flew Ellie and I went on a plane to Brisbane, it was about a year ago. I just about squeezed her to death for 2 hours, while she sat on my lap. She fell asleep after take off (probably more like passed out after I held her so tightly), so I had 2 gin and tonics, while sweating and trying to act perfectly natural.

 Anyhow ... obviously I lived to tell the tale. I tell myself all the logical, reasonable, grown up stuff - like how safe it is, etc etc. But I'm sorry, flying through the air, really fast, really high - just feels dangerous to me. I WISH with all my heart I was one of these fearless people (I convinced myself years ago, just about everyone is fearless except me). I wish I was someone who just walked through life thinking bad stuff wouldn't happen to me - or if it did "that's life". Nope, I think things like plane crashes, lightning strikes, strange diseases - all those things could get me . Heck, I even remember years ago when a satellite was coming down to earth - who's head did I think it was a possibility it could land on??.

It's not that I feel I'm the center of the universe - or anything like that. I just believe and know that bad things do, and can happen, and I have no control.

Either way. I'm here, and I'm getting on a plane next week. See that's the thing, I guess I have grown up a little. As much as it does scare me, I still do it. As much as I know I don't like it, I still booked the flights.  As much as it makes me feel a little nervous already, I know that 2 hours and it will be over with. 2 hours in a car would get us to - Bendigo???. We'll all be fine. I just wonder if they still serve gin and tonic at 8 in the morning, we are on an early flight?