Little signs ....

Note: If you want to read to a bit of music I have added a bit below - just hit play.

Today I am sensing things are changing once again. I'm probably wrong .... maybe I'm a bit paranoid.
My partner has two weeks off work which is a blessing and lovely. We all had a great day today out and about together but a couple of things have left me uneasy.


My son's behaviour seems to go in waves of good then bad. Usually the waves last a couple of months where they peak and usually crash back the other way. We have been headed upwards with great behaviour recently - in fact I have just about felt blessed with the happy, lovely boy I have been given.
This is the way it works though, just when you feel you can trust things, you can trust him ... it starts.
I can't relax. Even with how he has been lately I'm still waiting for it all to come crashing down and almost feel like I shouldn't say how good things have been because I know inside it can't be real.


It was nothing major. First we were at the supermarket. A while ago I would have never taken him to the shops. If he sees something he wants he would have to have it, no matter what. This wouldn't involve just one of those tantrums you see by kids wanting something they couldn't get who follow their parents screaming and crying. No ours would be tantrums where he would lay on the floor - kick you, hit you, scream at you, usually while holding or breaking the thing he wanted. There would be no way to continue. You couldn't resolve it, you couldn't ignore it and with my son you can't walk away. It would have made me nervous just to let go of his hand. You just can't say - "well I'll see you later then, I'll leave you here", those things I hear other parents use. The only way to move past it was to 1: buy the thing he wanted or 2: pick up your 7 year old while he pulls your hair with all his might and try to carry him out to the car. Add to that the people looking. We were like a car crash, heads would turn everywhere. The day I completely lost my nerve at the supermarket was when he wanted the entire set of Big M, 2 litre milks. The entire set being every colour / flavour. This was something that was going to happen in his mind and I had no idea how I was going to get him from the back of the store to the car parked deep into the car park. $25 dollars worth of Big M milk later we left. I honestly almost cried at the checkout. He doesn't drink Big M, he didn't drink a single drop of it.


Anyhow.... we have been going to the supermarket. He has been brilliant. The trust has been built after quite a lot of successful trips. In fact we walk around and I feel SO proud I could almost cry at the checkout for another reason. We are there, smiling and paying for our groceries. He is beside me and I barely need to hold his hand. I used to hold him with a tight grip around his wrist wherever we went.
Today at the checkout he hit the deck. It was out of the blue. I don't know what he wanted but bang he was there with that look on his face. My partner tried to pick him up and my son kicked. He did get up .... but my tummy dropped.


The second sign .. family dropped by and my son wanted to go outside. He pushed his way through the door but I grabbed him and asked him to come in. He turned straight around and hit me a few times. It's not that it hurts me physically, although there have been plenty of times it has, but the thought that always zooms into my mind is this happening with my 16 year old. It's the thought for the future and knowing he could really hurt someone.


Anyhow.. a weird day. Maybe something was just bothering him. I hope he is ok.
I am trying to just focus on the fact that if I think him dropping to the ground at the supermarket is unusual - look how amazingly far we have come.