Tick tock .......

 “We don't have an eternity to realize our dreams, 

only the time we are here.”

Susan Taylor

I am feeling trapped, pushed and lacking of time at the moment. Time in all it's forms.

Time to just get daily tasks done. The time to do quality things with the kids. Time with my partner (who?). Time to do anything by myself, or for myself (who?). Time to see friends, time to be a friend. Time to study. Time to dream. Time to fit in anything that doesn't involve work, school buses, supermarkets, housework or chasing organising the kids.

Days seem to be rolling into a continual blur of stuff that doesn't have much meaning at all.

It's just filled with the things that keeps us all going. Going here and there with clean clothes. Kid going to school with lunch. This appointment met. This phone charged. These dishes done. This car with petrol. This pet fed. This floor vacuumed. This put away - UGH - it's driving me crazy!

I know these things need to be done. But a life of it. A life with not much but it is doing my head in.

'We say we waste time, but that is impossible, 
we waste ourselves.'

Alice Bloch.

The worst thing about all the things I am filling my life with is that it's all so temporary. 
It's a mind numbing, soul killing cycle that never ends.

Go to the supermarket - get food - turn around - all eaten. 
Wash the dishes - turn around  - more dirty dishes. 
Wash the clothes - turn around - dirty clothes. 
Vaccum the floor - turn around - crumbs.  
Child in bed asleep - turn around - child awake. 

If I was spending my time painting, or building something, or working towards something tangible - at least at the end of this I could look back at something and see the final result - eg. the painting. 

Now I know I'm doing an important thing - raising my two kids - and they bring such beautiful flashes of light throughout all of this.  They make me laugh. Make me notice small things I would have walked straight by and give the most amazing warm hugs you could ever wish for.They are what this roundabout I can't get off is for. Without them, what would there be? They are tangible.

It's just the other stuff. The wondering about what I will or wont do with this life aside from kids. What I will or wont see, experience or know. How much time there is left, and whether during that time I do the things I thought I might, should or could. 

Do I want to be here? I don't know. Do I want to do this? I don't know. 

Did I choose this? Yes. I did. 
Through every single choice I have made my entire life.