Fear and loathing ..........

Well, it's 7.30 and it feels like midnight. We are off early, on a jet plane to Brisvegas.
Once I arrive I will be ecstatic. We haven't had a holiday for such a long time, and it will be soooooo nice to catch up with my lovely brother and dad and their lovely partners.

Part of me is really excited, another part isn't thinking about our holiday in Brisbane it is dreading the flight. This is me, can't see the holiday from the flight.
In my life I have had many fears. Most of them, probably 97% have never ever come true. Fear at certain times has ruled me. Made decisions for me, and steered me in directions I've never wanted to go. It has made me choose partners, it has turned me towards jobs, it has made me even stay at home at certain points.

It's interesting really. I look at my partner, so relaxed, yawning on the couch. He doesn't see an upcoming disaster.. all the what ifs. He see's the happy ending. The holiday in QLD. The everything is fine.
It makes me wonder what is wrong with me, that I have to pick the bad out of the good, the hard out of the easy.  Fear is also the least socially acceptable of the two mindsets. People don't like a whinger, people think you are silly if you tell your darkest fears.


So here I go. Tomorrow on a jet plane. Off to experience new things. Off to just let go of control. Off to try and push through my life regardless.