When life gives you the finger.

Feeling so flat today.... and frustrated. So here is my rant.


Bugs has been displaying some really challenging behaviours for some time. I'm not going to go into what they are, but all I can say is they are worrying enough for me to believe that we need some kind of external advice or help. In other words - the way in which we are currently dealing with it is only making the behaviour worse and I have NO clue how to go about the situation. It is upsetting, disturbing and stressful.


So, after feeling close to losing it yesterday I called the Department of Human Services intake - as they have something called BIST - Behavioural Intervention Services Team - in the hope that perhaps we could get someone to listen to our situation and offer advice on how we should be dealing with the issues.
This is the role of BIST. I have never used any service from DHS previously.


On calling today to enquire about it with some sort of hope in my head that someone might be able to help I was informed that the current wait list is .......................... one year.
ONE YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After telling me that, the expectation and tone in her voice was really one that was urging me not to bother - "we don't have the amount of staff we need YADA YADA". I felt like telling her I didn't give a shit about DHS's problems right now. I have my own problems - WHICH IS WHY I"M CALLING YOU.


So in my head this means that either carers or people with disabilities who urgently need help, who may be at risk, physically and emotionally - who are asking for help basically don't get it.
In one year, my behaviourally up and down child may either be doing really well, or we would probably have a whole new set of issues to deal with.


If in one year my son is still behaving in the same manner - I know right now that the situation we have now will be so much more ingrained, so much more conditioned and so much worse and harder to reverse.


As a carer and a parent - you don't want to have to ask for help. You want the world to think you are coping. Occasionally you even feel like a failure if you pick up the phone and say you aren't coping.
As a carer when you get the response I did this morning it just confirms that you really are alone in this.


I have no idea now what to do. Other than just keep on struggling, try a different way of coping with it in the slight hope that he will somehow stop what he is doing.  Either way when you feel like you can't do it anymore,  when you have no clue how to get through the next day - you just have to.

Screw Juni - where is Jennifer???

I havent blogged in SUCH a long time.
I think it's just a combination of life being hectic. energy being low and not knowing what to say.
Regardless of that, this morning for some reason I thought of my blog and here I am.


Much has been happening. I've finished a year of a Bachelor of Education. Tomorrow I begin year 2.
I have been loving it. It's put a lot of pressure on me - particularly time pressure but I am so glad I have the opportunity to do it. I know last year towards the end of semester I was constantly fantasising about time to myself to finish homework.


Which brings me to my next topic of course - the kids. Bugs has been doing really well he is becoming more and more interested in watching various YouTube videos. His main interest being Toy Story, Mister Maker and Win Television nightly news clips???. It is quite good because through this he is learning a few more words that he can spell. The other day he brought the IPOD touch over, that he watches them on, and in the search bar he had typed 'Toy Story End' he needed me to help him change 'end' to 'ending'. He can type lots of words now, and often Googles those words - which is exciting. The only downfall is that his growing dictionary in his head is mostly made up of shop and fast food restaurant names. He types: Coles, Woolworths, Target, Officeworks, Red Rooster, McDonalds, Stockland, Kmart, Chicken feed, etc etc etc. Sometimes when he is trying to type a word for the first time he closes his eyes really tight and scrunches up his face. I can see that he is trying to picture in his mind a sign he had seen while out and about and once he can see it he types the name one letter at a time, scrunching his face in between. What I want to know is how can I use his ability to remember and type words to help him communicate. I know it might seem like an obvious question, but I can see these words are not communication - they are objects or places that he is interested in. He can already request places and things with his communication device - but that is where we are stuck. Naming things is not the same as saying how your day was, or what you did, or how you are feeling etc. etc. If anyone has any ideas, I would love to hear them.


Ellie is doing well too. She's just started Ballet, loves going to 'school' (daycare) 2 days a week and is constantly asking me the HARDEST questions. She is definitely a new soul. Everything needs to be asked about, discovered and understood. It's all a mystery.


Well thats me for now. I know it's just a catch up blog, but I'm hoping with that out the way I feel the urge to write more.


J.

Rocked

Wine, cooking dinner and music.
As soothing as being rocked as a baby.
All I want to say today.

Time. As usual.

Feeling wide awake. But completely tired.

Morning will come and then I will feel it.

Don't even know what I'm thinking of.

Nothing and everything all at the same time.

Time. As usual. 

Time, memories and people.

I want to go back, but I really just want to go forward.

Only thing to do is lay down, close my eyes and hope it all fades into sleep.

Going down the drain ....

Ellie has a fear of the drain in the bath.
Today after her bath, I tried to show her what happens when you pull the plug out.
As a test for her I put several little people

and a Barbie in the bath while pulling out the plug as our sacrifice.

So thinking I am mother of the year and have all the solutions to her fears Ellie just looks at me and says
"my toe will get stuck, and it will go away, and wont be part of my body any more".
What can I say to that other than, no it wont?
Finally she ends it with "our bath is very scary".

I'm sure as she grows her fears will change to other things that I in my wisdom will try to conquer but really she will probably just conquer and work these things out on her own, all I can do at the meantime is wrap her in a towel and reassure her she still has 10 toes.

Present

Best Christmas present already arrived today when Bugs woke me up, came out to the Christmas tree and pointed to presents. 1st time ever - he knows - he understands.

Merry Christmas everyone - hope you have a wonderful, wonderful day.

Ouch.

Tonight is Bug's school concert. But I am home. Poor Ellie has been sick for a couple of days and has been throwing up all day ..... so....  what do you do when you are torn?

I love going to the school concert, and have been looking forward to it for weeks. Just sitting there with a smile on your face while your child is up on stage doing their thing. Felt so bad tonight I actually cried.

Ellie obviously couldn't go and throw up between acts and she has been clinging to me like I am her life today - just couldn't leave her at home. I'm also admittedly still feeling paranoid as last time she was sick she had a seizure and I really don't want to go through that again.

So now I sit here, feeling like I've missed out on a moment I shouldn't have and I feel so guilty and sad at the same time. What kind of a parent misses out on their child's school concert?

Big Loch and his mum have gone - so at least he will have a cheering squad and Loch is going to video it for me - so I'll have to watch it with the little guy when he gets home.

My heart broke a little when Bugs was told to hop in the car - and he ask me to put my shoes on: "shoes" and pointed to my feet.

Ouch and sigh.

Ode to Great Step Dads

Bugs has been invited to the Variety Christmas Party today - a party in Melbourne for kids with special needs. Big Lach has the day off, so I am staying home with Ellie and he is taking Bugs down on the train as siblings can't come.

Now, if I'm completely honest here, I'm not sure if I would do it on my own. I would probably take him to the party, but drive down in case he doesn't like it - I guess so we have a quick exit.

Not big Loch - "Bugs loves the train, we'll spend the day in Melbourne".
And .. he's right Bugs does love the train - he loves nothing more than spending a day out of the house experiencing new things.

The morning didn't start off too well with Bugs refusing to get dressed, or even get in the car. We showed him on his speech device what he was doing in the hope he would realise and get dressed.

TODAY           TRAIN            CITY               FUN          

Helped for about the time it took to get 1 sock on.

Anyhow, Big Lach ended up getting in the car and turning it on, while Bugs panicked at the thought of being left at home and got dressed and ran out to the car.

So off they go - into the great unknown for a fun day.

Big Lach amazes me in his faith that it will all be ok. He's so much more willing than I am to take a gamble and his only motive is that he wants Bugs to have a fun day out.

Blessed blessed blessed. That's all I can say. What a lucky kid.

Absent and missing

I haven't written here in so long ......

but feel the blog vibes coming back.

Will post when I get a sec .....................

Open and Closed.

It's been a while since I wrote here. I think I've been partly in some kind of winter hybernation.

Things have been moving, school holidays have been here and have ended, old friends have appeared and ambitions have been accepted by the universe - kind of.

The reason for really writing today is to acknowledge that which I don't acknowledge outloud.

Today it's been 12 years since my mum passed away.  12 years that have flown by but at the same time have included so much stuff. While part of me recognises that I am well and truly an aging adult, with kids of my own, when it comes to Mum I think I am still that shocked barely 21 year old.

So, the warning to my self and other ladies, don't ignore your body. Especially when you are scared.
I am very much like my mother and go into instant denial when I feel something is wrong with me. You would think I should have learnt my lesson.
Whilst I don't believe I have cancer or anything like that I know that at time when I have worried about anything medically I do tend to deny and ignore.  I guess I worry about my strength to cope with illness, fear, bad news, medical procedures .... anything.
The stupid thing is that in the meantime I just worry.

From what I can work out my mother had a lump in her breast for about 6 months. She never got it checked out. She did worry about it. She didn't tell anyone. The cancer spread from her breast to her liver and to her brain and she worried more about things, about symptoms. She still didn't tell anyone and she still didn't get it checked.
One day she got a headache, which was really a brain bleed from her brain cancer. The day this happened she was at work still. With breast, brain and liver cancer.
A week later after doctors scrambling to work out what was going on, she was prounounced brain dead and we had to decide to turn off her life support.

When writing and reading this - the truth about my Mums death sounds so hard and harsh. I am sorry to anyone reading it. I think I am just trying to remind myself that ignoring things wont make them go away - it makes them worse.

So, today being the 13th of July all I want to say is that I miss my Mum. Nothing was ever the same.
I'm sad for her that she never got to meet her grandkids, see her kids grow up,  retire, travel as she wished and generally enjoy her life.

Robyn Salt

Green eyes, brown hair, left handed. Collector of owls, lover of rain, reader of murder mysteries.

Black tea - no sugar.

Person with faith, walker of miles, best soup maker in the world, user of black humour

and funny sayings.

Carer, mother, and teacher.

2

Little Ellie is 2 tomorrow.
I just can't believe it has been two years since she arrived.

It makes me sad, proud and happy all at the same time.

Sad because time is flying....

Proud of what a smart, funny and happy little person she is becoming.

and happy as I just look at her and can't believe I've been blessed so much.

 The other night she gave me a bedtime cuddle and said "Happily Ever After Mum", and I know exactly what she was trying to say to me.

Happily Ever After to my gorgeous daughter. I love you so much.

BRRRUUUMMM

On the weekend a friend of our organised for us to go to a friend of hers house. So that Bugs could have a go on a bike. Bug sits on a bike. He can steer, he can kind of move the pedals - but he just can't put all those things together. He either drives straight into a fence, or stops pedalling and steers.
In other words he has motor planning issues.

We recently got him a scooter after seeing him grab at another kids, and try and get on.
He can steer a scooter, and push it along, but can't balance on it at all, so he can't hold his foot up and glide like you see kids. Seeing him try however, and in the beginning have fun, was so nice to see.
We took him to the tennis courts, so he can't ride off anywhere, or steer onto a road or something.
He had a great time until he tired and became a little frustrated.

Bugger it, I'll just drag it!














Anyhow, on the weekend I wasn't sure what to expect. We had been talking with my friend about a tagalong bike, or something else that Bugs could enjoy with someone else riding it. Turns out she knew of someone with a child with special needs with a modified bike. I didn't really know what to expect - but I didn't expect this - check it out!

There we are - riding a bike! Together. Pretty cool. The best thing about the bike was that firstly I could see him, he wasn't behind me. Secondly, because of the way the bike works he could feel the steering. If I turned left his handles would turn left. It could in some ways teach him how to ride and give him the feeling of riding. Also the pedals had stirrups so you could pretty much strap his feet on the pedals if need be. The cheeky guy did let me do ALL the work. But the smile on his face was worth it. The downside of this bike - the price tag. Apparently it costs nearly $2000.
I've done a bit of a search since on bikes for special needs. There are some pretty amazing bikes out there.

We may have turned a few heads with our strange bike -
but it felt pretty good to go on my first bike ride with the little guy.





# UPDATE# Just read through this and my how things change. It's now December and one of Bug's favourite things to do is ride a scooter - he even got a better one for Christmas - he steers, he balances and he scoots around like crazy. Bikes are still a problem, but he sure loves his scooter . #

We came, we saw, we wiggled....

Ellie has been sick for a bit over a week now. It started with just a bit of childcare-itis, the sniffles, but has developed into a nasty virus with snot, fevers, crankiness, clingyness, more snot, occasional vomiting, did I mention snot? and a seal like bark.

We bought tickets ages ago to see the Wiggles on Thursday. Ellie is quite the fan. Loves all the songs. She had a pretty good sleep the night before and seemed pretty good that morning so we decided to still go after some ummming and ahhhing. She slept on the way down,

Once in St Kilda we had some lunch and then entered the Palais to see the concert. I've never actually been to the Palais Theatre before. Driven past it plenty of times. It was pretty amazing inside.

 

Here are the kids waiting outside.                                                             

and having a bit of a stretch.

Bugs and Ellie were in their seats. Bugs was kind of jumpy and seemed nervous. He held his ears the whole way into our seats. I think the crowd was pretty overwhelming for him - and loud. I brought his safety ear goggles with us. I usually put them on him at home if I need to vacuum as previously if I brought the vaccum out he would get very anxious and either try and put it away - or run down the back of the house and close the door trying to get away from the noise. Anyhow, I brought them, which was great. As soon as I put them on him he smiled and sat still and relaxed.

Here's some photos of the concert and the kids.

So, it was fun. The kids really loved it. Bugs smiled and clapped, Ellie sat there with her jaw dropped and eyes wide open, especially when Murray walked around the aisles waving. I don't think she could believe it.

Unfortunately our night didn't end up so well as around 6 that night Ellie's temperature went up and up and panadol wouldn't get it down. She also was super lethargic. I took her into the hospital.
I was thinking they would look in her ears etc and send us home, instead they wanted a urine and a blood test ontop of all the poking and prodding. Ellie handled it all really well. Even the blood test which amazed me. Maybe she was just too sick to care. 5 hours later they got the paedatric doctor to come and have a look and tell us if we were staying or going. They were just concerned by how high her temperature was and also what was causing it. As all the tests were clear he sent us home - both very weary and glad to go home.

                        Here's the poor possum in hospital after a very long day.

Ascending ....

Well again the autism rollercoaster has continued taking us for a ride.
This time however it seems to be heading on the upwards once more.

As I've mentioned in the past my son's behaviour seems to improve then worsen then improve then worsen. Right now, if we are on a ride - we are heading upwards, past the pink fairies, the unicorns into a wonderland - he is that good.

My paranoia about this rollercoaster ride is honestly so strong that even writing this is hard, as I might break the spell. Mentioning it to someone might jinx me and I'm touching wood constantly. That may sound like a joke, but in all honesty I do feel like I shouldn't mention it, like it's some cosmic mistake that will be rectified and taken away.

It began just before we went to Brisbane. Before that he seemed quite unhappy, on edge, very frustrated and touchy. Even if you asked him to put on his shoes he would throw them down and say 'no!', then go and pick them up and put them on. Everything had to be protested against, even small things would be so frustrating he would hit the wall as hard as he could and give you a look that pretty much said **** off. He didn't seem unwell, he was sleeping, he was eating. I had no clue what was bothering him. The only thing I could really do was hug him when he seemed upset and honestly I think it soothed me more than it did him.

BUT, then something happened a week or so before we left. He stopped, started smiling, didn't seem so frustrated and seemed more relaxed. Since then we have pretty much had a very relaxed happy boy who seems at ease with most things, can listen and you can trust. He loved being away, he didn't escape, run, or hit the deck once. He has been talking more. Smiling more - we even have been a bit lapsed in locking the front door as he hasn't tried to do his escape from Alcatraz routine in ages.

So it's been making the think. As much as I know with this what comes up, must come down, there are somethings that will never be again.  Things that regardless of the ups and downs haven't reared their ugly heads in so long that I feel happy in stating they are gone for good. These are all things I thought would never improve. Things that I am so proud of with him for achieving and I'm going to focus on these.

1. Middle of the night romps! WHOO bloody HOO. Bugs can still take a long time to get to sleep but gone are the days where he would wake up at around 3 am most (5 out of 7 nights) and not go back to sleep. This was also a time where he couldn't be trusted for 3 minutes on his own without something horrible, usually very messy happening, so there was no dozing for me during this time.

2. Nappies. WHOO bloody HOO HOO again. I have no idea how we finally toileted Bugs. It's kind of as though something just clicked one day after months of me not really knowing how I could make him understand what was required. His understanding of what is being said to him has improved so much. He still struggles with some concepts and even requests, but he usually gets it, especially if PECS are used. Once he was toilet trained we have rarely had accidents and he has never wet the bed.

3. Iron clasp wrist holding. From the time Buggies was 2ish to about 6 we pretty much wouldn't go anywhere unless I either had a steadfast hold of his wrist or I was carrying him. The main reason was that if I let go - he would go. Usually without a clear objective. He would just run. Kind of Forest Gump run. Two particular things to mention here. Firstly picture my father, who can't run very well, running down the footpath yelling while said child is giggling and running as fast as possible down footpath. Me screaming after them as child runs out on road without looking or noticing the car slamming on it's breaks to avoid hitting him. Child still doesn't see car and continues to run until mother, nearly having heart attack, finally catches up. Mother crying, child giggling, grandfather now the one looking as though they are having a heart attack.
Secondly, 5 year old child running through local shopping mall while not as quick mother chases kid. Not pretty. Heads turning everywhere, happening most times child and mother ventured out.
Those days are gone!. Now I can actually walk without holding his hand. Mostly we hold hands though, but gentle relaxed hands, not hand over wrist.

4. Words!. Once apon a time I NEVER thought I would hear any words spoken by Bugs. He had absolutely none for so long. There were many times when I would be a part of a group with other parents who had kids on the spectrum and my child was the only one who didn't speak at all. It was quite hard. It was one thing to take your child to daycare and your child be the only one who didn't speak. The only one with an aid (if you could call them that) and the only one who was sent home with a communication book each night explaining all the 'difficulties' the staff had been having with your child that day - BUT - it was another type of heartbreak when you were sitting with parents who you thought had kids like yours. Kids on the spectrum, kids with the same diagnosis - yet yours didn't understand what was being said to him as well as the others and yours certainly didn't speak any words. It felt as though even with the kids who had the same label, your child was worse. Nowadays we don't have conversations, we don't have sentences - but we do have words and they are the sweetest sounding words you will ever hear. Words like - no, Mum, school, trampoline, drink and bus.

So, forgive me my rather long post, but I'm trying to remember that even though we have ups, and downs we have come a very long way and will continue to do so. I'm so proud of you Buggy Boo.

Tick tock .......

 “We don't have an eternity to realize our dreams, 

only the time we are here.”

Susan Taylor

I am feeling trapped, pushed and lacking of time at the moment. Time in all it's forms.

Time to just get daily tasks done. The time to do quality things with the kids. Time with my partner (who?). Time to do anything by myself, or for myself (who?). Time to see friends, time to be a friend. Time to study. Time to dream. Time to fit in anything that doesn't involve work, school buses, supermarkets, housework or chasing organising the kids.

Days seem to be rolling into a continual blur of stuff that doesn't have much meaning at all.

It's just filled with the things that keeps us all going. Going here and there with clean clothes. Kid going to school with lunch. This appointment met. This phone charged. These dishes done. This car with petrol. This pet fed. This floor vacuumed. This put away - UGH - it's driving me crazy!

I know these things need to be done. But a life of it. A life with not much but it is doing my head in.

'We say we waste time, but that is impossible, 
we waste ourselves.'

Alice Bloch.

The worst thing about all the things I am filling my life with is that it's all so temporary. 
It's a mind numbing, soul killing cycle that never ends.

Go to the supermarket - get food - turn around - all eaten. 
Wash the dishes - turn around  - more dirty dishes. 
Wash the clothes - turn around - dirty clothes. 
Vaccum the floor - turn around - crumbs.  
Child in bed asleep - turn around - child awake. 

If I was spending my time painting, or building something, or working towards something tangible - at least at the end of this I could look back at something and see the final result - eg. the painting. 

Now I know I'm doing an important thing - raising my two kids - and they bring such beautiful flashes of light throughout all of this.  They make me laugh. Make me notice small things I would have walked straight by and give the most amazing warm hugs you could ever wish for.They are what this roundabout I can't get off is for. Without them, what would there be? They are tangible.

It's just the other stuff. The wondering about what I will or wont do with this life aside from kids. What I will or wont see, experience or know. How much time there is left, and whether during that time I do the things I thought I might, should or could. 

Do I want to be here? I don't know. Do I want to do this? I don't know. 

Did I choose this? Yes. I did. 
Through every single choice I have made my entire life.

 

Here ....

WELL surprise surprise I made it up and back in a tin can in the sky.
I must admit, it wasn't quite as bad as I had imagined and I am starting to believe maybe it's just something I need more practice at.

Yes I was nervous, yes I had clammy hands, and yes I skulled an alcoholic beverage on my flight home. PLUS .... I think I recollect grabbing L quite a few times and with panic wide eyes that refused to blink, looked at him and said 'is everything ok?', 'what is the seatbelt light on for?'

Anyhow... the thing is I did it and I am here and once again my silly little fears turned out to be nothing.

Before i move on, I will also comment and apologise for my last nervous rambling before I left. These are the things that happen when

girl + blog + nerves + bottle of wine merge late at night

So .... to move past all that and to the good stuff - next post - the trip.

Fear and loathing ..........

Well, it's 7.30 and it feels like midnight. We are off early, on a jet plane to Brisvegas.
Once I arrive I will be ecstatic. We haven't had a holiday for such a long time, and it will be soooooo nice to catch up with my lovely brother and dad and their lovely partners.

Part of me is really excited, another part isn't thinking about our holiday in Brisbane it is dreading the flight. This is me, can't see the holiday from the flight.
In my life I have had many fears. Most of them, probably 97% have never ever come true. Fear at certain times has ruled me. Made decisions for me, and steered me in directions I've never wanted to go. It has made me choose partners, it has turned me towards jobs, it has made me even stay at home at certain points.

It's interesting really. I look at my partner, so relaxed, yawning on the couch. He doesn't see an upcoming disaster.. all the what ifs. He see's the happy ending. The holiday in QLD. The everything is fine.
It makes me wonder what is wrong with me, that I have to pick the bad out of the good, the hard out of the easy.  Fear is also the least socially acceptable of the two mindsets. People don't like a whinger, people think you are silly if you tell your darkest fears.


So here I go. Tomorrow on a jet plane. Off to experience new things. Off to just let go of control. Off to try and push through my life regardless.

Teeth, tummy and terror ......

I haven't blogged for a while. Things have been busy, school holiday crazy and now just illness and pain! I've had a massive tooth ache - dentist on Monday morning ... joy, joy, fun!
and ...... poor Bugs started his 1st week back by just being a little bit off, which has turned into a really bad case of the shits a tummy bug. It really started Thursday night, and tonight (Sat) he is still sick.

I took him up to a local medical centre tonight - usually a place like this would be a nightmare to take him. Huge set of stairs to want to go up and down, open space, lots of offices to try and open the doors of and waiting. Tonight he amazed me and sat with me, we looked at things on his speech device and he pretty much sat there and waited (in between toilet stops). Granted, he was ill but we also spent the time pointing out things on his device - like a baby - when a baby who was being held by it's mum started crying - and other things.

Even when the doctor got him to lay down so he could feel his tummy, Bugs just co-operated, and giggled when the doctor pressed his tummy.
Anyhow, hopefully he is fine. Probably just a virus ... etc, etc....

We are all going away in a week or so. We were going to drive, to QLD, with 2 kids, a small car, over a few days ......... but good old Jetstar has offered us flights we can't refuse so we are now flying.

Personally, I HATE flying. Which is probably why I thought driving was a better option. It just scares the heck out of me. I hate it when you take off, my tummy basically goes to my throat. While in the air, I am constantly checking out the faces on the air hostesses, to see if they look worried. Every time they talk on their little phone to the pilot, I panic thinking the pilot is saying - "Audrey - we are about to die - buckle up!".

The last time I flew Ellie and I went on a plane to Brisbane, it was about a year ago. I just about squeezed her to death for 2 hours, while she sat on my lap. She fell asleep after take off (probably more like passed out after I held her so tightly), so I had 2 gin and tonics, while sweating and trying to act perfectly natural.

 Anyhow ... obviously I lived to tell the tale. I tell myself all the logical, reasonable, grown up stuff - like how safe it is, etc etc. But I'm sorry, flying through the air, really fast, really high - just feels dangerous to me. I WISH with all my heart I was one of these fearless people (I convinced myself years ago, just about everyone is fearless except me). I wish I was someone who just walked through life thinking bad stuff wouldn't happen to me - or if it did "that's life". Nope, I think things like plane crashes, lightning strikes, strange diseases - all those things could get me . Heck, I even remember years ago when a satellite was coming down to earth - who's head did I think it was a possibility it could land on??.

It's not that I feel I'm the center of the universe - or anything like that. I just believe and know that bad things do, and can happen, and I have no control.

Either way. I'm here, and I'm getting on a plane next week. See that's the thing, I guess I have grown up a little. As much as it does scare me, I still do it. As much as I know I don't like it, I still booked the flights.  As much as it makes me feel a little nervous already, I know that 2 hours and it will be over with. 2 hours in a car would get us to - Bendigo???. We'll all be fine. I just wonder if they still serve gin and tonic at 8 in the morning, we are on an early flight?

She's my baby .....

Not too much to say today. Had an lovely drive with Ellie tonight (only because she was having so much trouble sleeping). I bundled her up in the car in the hope it would put her to sleep, instead it just gave her more to talk about.

First she was saying "stars" and pointing them out and then she would say "happy stars!" Then she said "happy kids" and "happy Mum" and "happy Lachie".

She then mentioned the moon and I asked her what colour it was - "yellow Mum" she insisted. 

Which is pretty good I think and she must have thought so too because she gave her self a round of applause with a 'YAAAYYYYY' while clapping.

Very cute.

Warm marble .....

I don't know if I should write about this or not, because for some reason it makes me feel a little awkward. But hey - this is all about experiences and I had an interesting morning which involved taking the kids with me to the cemetery as I tidied up my mother's grave. Something I have never done before. Of course I would remove old flowers and refill the little water pot things, but not actually taken water and a brush to it. 

It's really amazing how time leaves it's mark on things. There was dirt and dust and little bits of moss growing in cracks. It was all starting to look shabby and would depress me even more when I went out there. It was starting to look like it (she) was forgotten and like no one cared. Anyhow, I scrubbed away and the kids went crazy climbing on things. The kids love it when we go to the cemetery - it's kind of macabre really. They just want to climb on graves and even lay down face first on the marble that is warm from the sun. Luckily my mums grave is in quite a secluded and isolated spot so it was just us. Nothing was broken, and they mean no disrespect at all. 

Once I had finished it all looked so much better.  It was almost like wiping away all the years since she has been gone and it all looked brand new and in a strange way it felt good - like I had done something for her.